Hidden Fears
by Stuck Smitten Love Story
Summary: Deeks was pulling back. Kensi didn't know why and that made her confused and angry. They needed to talk, to work through what was going on. My take on what could have happened after Three Hearts.


The punching bag was getting a beating. The harder she punched, the angrier she got and she was doing some pretty intense work on the black bag swinging from the high ceiling. Kensi Blye was one pissed off woman.

Kensi stopped for a second and captured the bag in her arms, stopping it's momentum as she buried her head in it. She couldn't remember a time when she felt so angry and out of sorts and to make matters worse, she couldn't pinpoint who or what she was angry with. Was it her, was it Deeks, was it the situation they were in, or was it all those things and even more. She buried her head into the bag and let out a loud growl letting it echo through the room.

Ever since they had interviewed Agent Angelo things had gone from bad to worse. As if her having been away in Afghanistan, after having been torn away from everything, everything she loved, wasn't bad enough, now this man comes in and questions the situation between her and Deeks. He had been the suspect, not the interrogator. Was Angelo even his name? It couldn't be because he wouldn't have been undercover with his own name and Olivia Brunson knew him as Angelo. Who was this man that dared to question what she and Deeks shared? The man who had made Deeks more scared about their thing than he ever had been. That one interview had taken away everything she clung to while she was away from Deeks. All the things she had imagined would happen on her return were now fractured all because of this man.

Kensi closed her eyes and imagined Angelo's face on the punching bag. She growled again and hit the bag so hard it stung her hand so badly that she stopped and pulled off her glove to check for damage while hopping around in pain. Going over to one of the benches she examined her hand before dropping her head into both hands, ignoring the stab of pain as her head put pressure on it. She would not cry. No she wouldn't. So what was the stinging she felt behind her eyelids that had become suddenly very wet? She swiped angrily at a tear that escaped before dropping her head again.

Deeks stood in the doorway to the gym watching the woman he had only a few weeks ago professed meant more to him that anything else on this planet. It was still true. He knew it always would be. But events had made him wonder if being with his most important person, in more than a partnership sense, would be a good idea. He wanted her, there was never any denying that. He was totally in love with her and that was never going to change. Would they however, be a good partnership away from work? He wished they would, but he wasn't so sure anymore. As much as he wanted it, it could destroy them. More than one person had warned him of late at how complicated it could be.

He looked at Kensi with her head between her hands and he thought he saw her shoulders move convulsively and he thought she was crying. The shuddering sigh she took only confirmed that, and it tore at his heart. He caused that, he knew he did and it made him ache. He turned to walk away. It wasn't fair of him to cause this sadness in Kensi.

He gave his head a slight shake and furrowed his brow. What was he thinking? He shouldn't be turning away from her. He owed her the decency to talk to her. He may be taking his life in his own hands if she continued the mood she was in while she had been pounding the bag, but he was willing to take the chance. He had to explain himself to her.

He watched as Kensi stood and started walking towards the showers. He stepped into the room and she noticed him immediately

"How long have you been standing there?" She asked him. He noticed her hands clenching and unclenching into a tight fist, but he held his ground.

"Long enough." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair and Kensi marvelled at the fact that she did indeed like the way he did that, just as Angelo had said. It always made her smile and now was no exception, though she would not let him see that. "Kens, we need to talk."

Kensi looked at him and nodded. "We do. But I'm going to take a shower first." This talk was long overdue but she was not going to have it while she smelled like a sweaty gym sock.

"Ok. I'll be waiting for you," Deeks said to her, still standing on the spot.

Kensi nodded at him again giving him the smallest of smiles and he gave her a reluctant smile back. He didn't feel anything like smiling at the moment.

He'd noticed her eyes, they were red from crying and he knew he was the reason for it. It really pained him to be responsible for her sadness, and yes, he admitted it, anger. She was angry with him too, there was no doubt about it, and he couldn't blame her.

He had no idea how this conversation was going to work out. It could go any way but he hoped it wouldn't be damaging. With the emotions they were both feeling anything was possible. He would try to keep emotion out of this but he knew it would be impossible when what he felt was love, the most powerful emotion of all next to anger and Kensi had plenty of that at the moment too.

Kensi stood under the spray of the hot shower not sure how many tears were mingling with the water from above. This wasn't like her. She didn't cry like this over anything. Yes she cried when Jack had left her all those years ago, but not this much. Not this erratically. Ever since coming back from Afghanistan she could cry at any given moment. She knew it was probably some form of PTSD rising its ugly head but she also knew it was about Deeks. They had shared something special before she had been sent away and it had been the something that helped her get through her ordeal more than anything else. He had come to rescue her and she had felt the tug of love when he had held her in his arms. The care and gentleness he had given to her that day had made her cry back then. She felt his relief at having her back as much as she was relieved at being in his arms. She never wanted to leave them and for the flight back home she was rarely out of them, neither one of them keen on breaking the contact. But since their return things had gone downhill.

Kensi had recuperated with her mother and as much as she longed to be with Deeks, for one reason or another, it didn't happen. They had phone calls and texts but that wasn't the same. And then she finally came back to work and Hetty hadn't allowed Kensi to partner up with Deeks, sending Nell out with him instead. She had seen the disappointment in Deeks eyes at not having her by his side and she had again felt that anger at being punished for what had happened. Hetty had told her later she wasn't being punished but it had felt that way. And finally they were back together and then came the case with Agent Angelo. She couldn't catch a break and wondered if she and Deeks would ever get the chance to explore their feelings for one another.

Deeks had been stung by the events of that case and had acted uncharacteristically. He'd still been his funny and flirtatious self, but Kensi could feel something different about him. And the moment he had given her back her father's knife, she had known. Deeks was scared and he needed time. But damn it. As much as she had asked him to be patient with her, she now had no patience. She wanted to be with him. She wanted to feel safe with him. She wanted to love him. He'd said something about Raccoons, but that wasn't good enough.

She turned the water off and dried herself. As she dressed she noticed her reflection in the mirror and knew she would need a little makeup to help hide her obvious distress. When she was finally happy with her appearance she threw her stuff in her gym bag and walked out.

Deeks stood leaning against the wall where she had left him with his arms crossed over his chest, one leg bent, his foot on the wall. He looked like he was going nowhere while he waited for her, but now that she walked out of the showers, he stood straight and took a few steps towards her.

"Do you want to go somewhere else?" He asked.

"No. We're here and I am ready to talk to you. We need to talk Deeks and I am afraid that if we go somewhere else it won't happen. Something will come up or happen or whatever. We need to do this now."

"And you don't think Eric or Nell will show up and interrupt us?" They had a habit of doing that, All the time.

"No. Now. We talk now." Kensi said firmly.

Deeks sighed. He stuck out his tongue and bit the end of it while nodding his head. It was a gesture of _'I know this has to be done but I'm not going to like it.' _"Ok. Let's talk."

"I need to know what's going on with you Deeks. I don't understand and…" Kensi stopped mid thought, spearing her hand through her damp hair and ruffling it. This was usually what Deeks did and she shook her head slightly, smiling to herself ironically glad that Deeks couldn't see her face as she had turned. She spied a basketball on the floor only a few feet away and dropped her bag and picked up the ball, turning to Deeks and throwing it at him. It took him by surprise but he instinctively caught it and bounced it a few times before throwing it back to her.

Kensi had just finished with a shower yet she again began to warm up, both at the impromptu basketball game that they played, and the fact that she was exercising with Deeks. Just moving with him, competing for the ball and the physical contact they shared, let her release the last bits of anger she had been storing up inside herself. What was left was just the questions and intense desire to know where the two of them stood in regards to their private life. And she wanted that private life with him. She felt they were owed that much at least after everything they had been through, after everything they had sacrificed. They deserved a little bit of happiness.

For once, Kensi let Deeks win. No, if she were completely honest with herself, she didn't let him win. Deeks was better than her at basketball and he beat her, this time. She knew he was better than her in many things and she sometimes wondered if he just let her win all the time, feeding her competitive nature. She didn't usually like it happening, yet now she felt perfectly at peace with being beaten. He was good at everything he did and she knew it. Maybe now she could back off a bit and not have to win every time. This didn't feel so bad. When it came to Deeks, she liked whatever this feeling towards him was. Was it Pride? She sure was proud of him, even if she was remiss at telling him as often as she should. She made a mental note to change that.

They'd shared banter while they played, both of them skirting the obvious issues that needed addressing, and they'd laughed together and it felt good. As she stood towelling herself, she captured his wrist as he walked by to return the ball to its place, not wanting him to move away from her, even that small distance. He stopped on the spot as the ball dropped out of his grip, bouncing away from them before rolling across the gym floor.

Deeks eyes darkened as he looked into Kensi's and he wanted her. The way she was looking at him, her eyes stormy with longing, things could easily have escalated out of control. He closed his eyes and let the rush of longing pulse through him before he spoke. This uncontrollable desire he felt for her was one of the things that terrified him. He wanted her so completely, in his arms, in his bed, in his life. He wanted it all.

His wrist burnt where Kensi still held on to him and he flinched away. He saw the hurt in her eyes, but she wanted to talk and he didn't want this need for her to cloud his judgement. He saw the hurt in her eyes and that pained him, but he knew he could not give her the answers she needed if he stayed close to her. He walked to the discarded basketball and picked it up to return it to the rack.

Without turning to look at her, he spoke. "Kens, you wanted to talk."

He heard her breath out a huff of frustration and he turned to watch her. He reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp as was very much a habit of his.

"You know I like it when you fidget with your hair," Kensi said to her and his eyes snapped up to hers.

"Is this what this is about? Agent Angelo?"

Kensi shrugged, looking away for a second. "No, yes, maybe. You know, I hate that you compare yourself to him. Angelo fell in love with a criminal's wife. A bad person," she said and saw him flinch. "Not a partner, a good person. That's a big difference between us and him."

"Kens, I just…" Just what? He thought to himself. How did he explain himself to Kensi when he couldn't even explain it to himself. "I don't know," he finished off lamely. He looked up into her eyes across the distance and resisted the urge to move closer. He could see she was twitching to move his way and he hoped he could convey to her with his eyes to stay where she was. That was one of their strong points, always knowing what the other needed. "Nothing's changed Kens, I protected you before and I will protect you now. I will always protect you."

"That's not what this is about Deeks. I know you will always have my back and I'll always have yours. I trust you with everything. Totally," Kensi said and she could feel the tell-tale prickling of tears in her eyes. She couldn't cry now so she took a calming breath. Only it wasn't so calming and came out in a shuddering huff again. She turned around so Deeks couldn't see her. "You believe me don't you Deeks?"

"Of course I do, Kens. You mean the world to me. You are my everything, I've told you that before."

Kensi spun back around. "Then what do you want from this. From us. You confuse me so much Deeks," she said, anger resurfacing and shooting from her eyes. "Do we have anything? You know, our Thing?"

Deeks smiled nervously, tilting his head to the side. "I thought we did."

"Then what's changed that?" Kensi asked him. She wanted him to tell her what was going on inside that amazing head of his. What was making him shy away from the very thing he had been chasing for the past four years. Her.

"I can't explain it Kens, so much has happened to us."

"Try me Deeks. I need to know. You distancing yourself from me after flirting with me relentlessly for four years is driving me crazy. Finally I return those feelings and you run for the hills. What am I supposed to think?"

Deeks closed his eyes and frowned. How did he tell her how he was feeling? He was so amazingly overwhelmed with what they shared and he was so very much in love with her. She was his world, but he was scared of what would happen if his world was snatched away from him. Even temporarily as she had been earlier in the year, had been enough of an eye opener for him. He had missed her like crazy, and then when they had the task of rescuing her, he found out the lengths he would go to to save her, and he didn't like the person he had become. That was a major sticking point in his mind but he couldn't tell her. When he opened his eyes he was shocked to find Kensi had moved to stand in front of him again and it threw him off his train of thought.

"It's not you. It's me," Was all he could manage.

"What is? Explain it to me Deeks," Kensi said, her voice rising in frustration. When he was quiet she closed her eyes and sighed. "Deeks, 5 months I was gone. 5 months that I missed you like crazy and I think you missed me," she prodded.

He reached out to her then let his hand drop. "You know I missed you."

"We talked on that phone. I know you missed me. It was 5 wasted months we could have been together. I don't want to waste any more time."

There was silence in the gym and suddenly he spoke. "I thought you were dead," Deeks said and he got the reaction from her that he had expected. Her eyes widened and she was momentarily speechless.

"You saw that photo?" She became agitated. "You were never supposed to see that photo. I prayed you wouldn't. Who sent it to you?"

"Hetty." He saw the anger returning to her eyes as she flung the towel she still held in her hands towards her bag. "Don't blame her, I told her to show me. I insisted."

"Why? Why would you do that?"

Deeks scratched his head again. He really had no answer to the question. Why had he wanted to see it? To disprove it, to look at it and know it was fake? Only when it had arrived he hadn't been able to prove it was fake. He thought his whole world had died. He shuddered at the memory of that moment.

"They made us pose for those photos. I was so far out of it anyway, I wasn't sure what they were doing." This time when Deeks reached out he didn't let his hand drop and he caressed her cheek before turning around. He didn't want Kensi to see his face when he continued.

"It made me do something I never thought I would do."

Kensi came up behind him. She wanted to wrap her arms around his waist and show him how she felt, give him all the support he needed, but she knew right then, that was not what he wanted.

Deeks could feel her presence behind him and was thankful she stayed back. Just thinking about what he had done made him feel unworthy of anything, let alone the love of this amazing woman.

"I tortured a man. I tortured him to make him tell me where they had taken you." He heard Kensi's quiet gasp and his heart crumbled. Even she was shocked by hearing his words. It still hurt him, she had to feel the same way.

He turned and huffed ironically. "Crazy thing was, I couldn't go through with it. I caved and held the man, a blind cleric no less. I held him and promised him I wouldn't do it anymore. And I never got any information from him. We worked out how to find you without his information. I tortured a man for nothing."

Kensi stood shaking her head. Her mind was racing with the image of him doing this to another man, but instead of feeling repulsed, she felt the love that had made him act that way. "Deeks. I would have done the same thing."

"No you wouldn't have," he countered.

"If I thought someone had killed you, I would have gone on a rampage."

A sad smile appeared on his lips. Kensi hadn't been there, she hadn't felt his absolute despair at thinking she was dead. Tears prickled his eyes just at the memory of that photo. He knew deep down he wasn't like the man he had been over there, yet still it played on his mind. "Is it any wonder my heads all screwed up. After the events since Sidarov, after they tortured me, I still turned into the same people they were."

"Deeks, look at me." Kensi waited till she knew she had his attention. "You did what you did for love. I guarantee you I would have done it too. They did what they did to you for pure evil. There is a difference."

"But this is eating at me, you have no idea. It proves to me I am not the good person everyone believes I am."

"Now you listen to me Marty Deeks." Simply saying his full name had his head snap up and take notice. "You are a good person, one of the best. UUhhh!" she said waving her hand at him to be quiet when she saw him start to protest. "It's true and don't you ever believe otherwise. I could go on and on about your good points, but I'm not going to. I know them all and that's all that matters."

"I thought I lost you once. I can't Kensi. I can't stand the thought of losing you. If I lost you through the job it would crush me, but if I lost you simply because we couldn't continue a relationship and I couldn't be with you anymore, it would kill me. I don't know if I can do this."

"So you would rather not have a relationship or share our love. That's a stupid reason not to be with someone." She was getting emotional now, not seeing any way through his walls that he had erected. She began to understand what he had been coming up against when she had her walls up. Before he had crashed hers down and she had let him in.

"No, I do want to. I just….." he trailed off.

"I know. You just have a lot to get through." She turned away and went quiet. She didn't know what else to say to him.

"Kens?" Still he didn't know what to say.

"I just want you Deeks. I don't care about anything else. I'd rather have you in my life, completely, now. And if something happens later we can deal with it." Deeks closed his eyes but Kensi wasn't finished yet. "Deeks. Do you even know how I feel about you?"

"No Kens, tell me," he said but he was pretty sure he knew how she felt.

"I love you Deeks. I may not have ever told you that but I know it. I know it here," she said touching her heart. "I did the whole time I was away. I would think of you and I was able to carry on, knowing I would be coming back to you, you the man who said he was falling in love with me. Remember that night?" she asked and he nodded. How could he ever forget that incredible night? "The same way you said I helped you get passed the pain while Sidarov was torturing you, you helped me get through my pain."

Still Deeks was speechless and Kensi knew. She had lost him and it hurt. It wasn't even because he didn't want her. She knew he did. But their job, their circumstances just made him feel it was impossible. Tears were now falling freely and she did nothing to stop them. She was crushed and she had never felt this kind of pain. It was worse even, than when Jack had left her. Dropping down to the floor she buried her head in her knees.

Deeks was torn. He wanted to be with Kensi, he hated that he was pushing her away and making her feel like this. He loved her. He just couldn't see a solution to his own problems. Maybe talking to Nate would help. He looked down and the pain in his heart was palpable, but when he saw a tear fall to the ground his heart shattered. He bent down to take her in his arms, to try and offer some comfort but she stiffened in his arms.

"Kens please don't cry," was all he could say.

"I can't help it Deeks. I lose everyone I care about and you are the one I have cared about the most. You might still be here, right with me now, but now I've lost you too. And it hurts, you know. It really hurts."

"Oh Kens," he said brushing the hair from her face. "You haven't lost me." He softly pressed his lips to her forehead. "Don't cry. It breaks my heart to see you cry."

"I can't help it. I finally open up and tell you I love you and you pull away."

"I'm not..." He stopped because he really was pulling away. "Kens. I love you," he said and he knew he meant it.

"So that scares you so much you want to run." She held up her hands to stop any reply. "It's ok. I get it. It's happened before." She can't help herself using that point even knowing that it's not fair to compare.

Kensi stood so she could grab her bag and escape. Tears were falling freely now and she needed to get away. They had talked. It hadn't worked out the way she had hoped for but at least now she knew where she stood. As she turned to leave strong arms came around her waist and pulled her to him. She struggled but just being in his arms made her body hum with longing for him. This was where she wanted to be. Could he possibly still change his mind?

He placed his finger under her chin and lifted her gaze to his and their eyes locked. Kensi didn't need Deeks to speak. She could read in his eyes what he wanted to say and she was sure he could read it in hers. Deeks spoke anyway. "I love you kens. I always will."

Kensi let Deeks envelope her in his arms and she buried her head in his neck, sniffing softly, her tears wetting his t-shirt. This is what she wanted. This is where she belonged. Without even realising she was doing it, her lips had found the hollow in his neck and began raining soft kisses there. A whimper escaped her as she inhaled his intoxicating scent and she relaxed into his body, content to remain there forever.

Deeks stepped back slightly and Kensi tried to pull him back. She knew if he left now, she probably wouldn't get to do this again. His walls would go up and she didn't know if she had it in her to knock them down like he had hers. It was emotionally draining.

Deeks had no intention of moving anywhere. Holding Kensi in his arms, after all he had just finished telling her, had just proven to him what he really wanted. Every fear he had announced to her was melting away. All he could think about now was her, how good she smelled, how perfectly she fit in his arms. His hands came up to her cheeks and he forced her to look at him. He wanted to say something to her but nothing would come out. Instead, he crushed his lips to hers, taking what he was meant to have, accepting everything she was giving him.

Kensi returned his kiss with as much love and desire that she could pour into it. She wanted to show him, needed to show him how she felt about him and this might have been her only chance. She had to get it right, but no sooner had that thought crossed her mind and she was lost in the moment. What Deeks was doing to her now made her forget everything, including where they were doing it. It didn't matter. She didn't care if anyone walked in on them. What mattered was Deeks was kissing her and she was kissing him back.

"What are we doing Kensi," Deeks asked with a ragged breath, his lips mere inches from hers still. He pecked her lips again and again and Kensi moaned with longing.

"I don't know but it feels a whole lot better in here than out there," she said, meaning being in his arms rather than across the room.

He got her meaning and pulled her in tighter his hand cradling her head protectively. His lips graze the top of her ear and she felt ready to explode with longing.

"What are you trying to tell me here Deeks?" She tried to sound light but her breathing was still heavy and it came out in a raspy voice making Deeks moan. He looked at her, and she thought she knew what he was trying to say. She hoped she did.

Deeks leaned down for another kiss. She thought she had read it in his eyes but the way he held her and kissed her made her begin to believe it would finally work out.

"I think you are far too important to me to let me lose you. I love you Kensi, I don't want to lose you."

"Does that mean…." Kensi said and was stopped by yet another kiss.

"It means I love you and we are going to work this out."

The smile Kensi gave him melted his heart. Every argument he had given her for why they shouldn't be together, she had countered with an acceptable reason that they should. He knew he would still have plenty to work through but loving this woman was the easiest thing in the world to him. Making it work might take a little more patience, but he had always been a patient man. He just needed patience from her.

"Can you do something for me though," he asked.

"Anything," she said smiling.

"Be patient with me."

Their smiles echoed the conversation they had once before, the last time they had seen each other before she was taken away. Only this time it was him asking for the patience. This time, there was no way in the world they would be pulled apart. Neither one of them would accept that.

Deeks leaned down and picked up Kensi's bag and with one arm still wrapped possessively around her shoulder, steered her out of the gym. Kensi's arm went lovingly around his waist, neither one of them caring who saw them walk out that way.

Before stepping out of the gym Deeks leaned down and kissed her briefly. "Are you hungry?" he asked. "Would you like dinner?"

Kensi smiled mischievously. "Yes, Taco's," she said brazenly, making Deeks roar with laughter.

"Okay. Let's go have Taco's," he said and winked at her.


End file.
